“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Good morning, Twitter 😊
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years