[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves