Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
You Might Also Like
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.