*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
You Might Also Like
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
how it started vs how it ended
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?