Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
How did we not see this back then?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again