What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
this is what they would have looked like, though
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?