“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope