im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.