According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.