me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Pickled cat.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.