Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Ironic
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet