No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If you know, you know 😂🚔
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
is this store having a stroke wtf
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few