My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream