My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You Might Also Like
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Probably my best painting.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0