Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The biggest mystery of our time
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.