Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
jesus christ confetti not now
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine