Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.