Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner