ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My beach vacation Google searches
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.