we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Webb. James Webb.
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough