We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
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astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.