teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red