Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
So glad we cleared that up
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
They got Raph!
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool