Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Life is a suicide mission.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Holy shit he’s back
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.