Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love