Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I am crying
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Wait a minute
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Simple
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”