You Might Also Like
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg