remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”