this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
they should invent a rest for the wicked