inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
You Might Also Like
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
tourist season
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan