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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
bro what is going on at twitter
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?