Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.