Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Everyone’s family
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.