My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
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when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert