Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
You Might Also Like
Previously On Persistence 😎
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
😂🤣😂🤣
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
had to make it