I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Autocorrect completely socks
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
#inspiration #foodforthought
What
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.