I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
🍛
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I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
dutch is not a serious language
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My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit