what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
umm…
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”