Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
*limbos away from your hug*
Bit chilly again tonight.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.