Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Whisper out to librarians!