[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently