Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My love language is deader than Latin
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.