I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.