I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead