The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
March 16
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Barbie gone wild
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”