When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.