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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Only short people can save us
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.