“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
You Might Also Like
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.