If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control