You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
tourist season
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no